have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
