I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Randomize
