Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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