cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I want her autograph on my taint
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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