Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
