I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
