OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
