You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
