So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
