the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
