some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
