I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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