Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
