I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
