all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
