Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had sex on a roof
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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