Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
