If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
