Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
