I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
