I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
look no pants
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
