At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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