Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
