Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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