What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
