You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
