I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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