I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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