I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Your dad touched me again.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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