Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
