I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think I won the penis lottery.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
