When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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