She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
