When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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