All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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