Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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