apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm like, not good at living.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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