distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
