Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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