I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
