I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
