dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
