Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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