I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Is it because I queefed?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
