Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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