Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
