I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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