I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
