I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
