so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
