I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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