If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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