im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
